


Birds and Bees

by VCCV



Category: Glee
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, metaphor abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 13:09:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11036829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VCCV/pseuds/VCCV
Summary: Burt gives the dreaded 'talk.' Or, at least that's what Kurt thinks this is.





	Birds and Bees

Kurt glanced warily around the kitchen as Burt pulled out a chair. "Have a seat, son." Kurt sat gingerly, arranging the folds of his pants to keep his nervous hands busy. 

Burt recently discovered that Kurt and Puck were dating, and he seemed very determined to be an understanding, supportive dad. To the point that he'd actually touched the computer and online shopped for hours, only coming up for air when he'd purchased about a dozen 'Your Son is Gay' books.

Burt pulled out the chair opposite Kurt and dropped heavily into it. He pulled his cap off and tossed it on the table. "So."

Kurt nodded carefully. "So?"

Burt sighed. "Kurt, I'm kind of new to all of this. It confuses me, to be honest, but I never want you to think I'm not here for you. Or that you can't come to me with…whatever. I'm not the most…knowledgeable guy, especially in your circumstance. Boobs are more my area of expertise."

"Dad! Gross!" Kurt's face screwed up in disgust.

Burt held up a placating hand. "Sorry, sorry. I just mean that I don't know a whole lot about…relations between boys. But, just cause I may not know everything, doesn’t mean I should shirk my responsibilities."

"Dad, you don't have any responsibilities," Kurt sighed. "Me dating isn't made any different because I'm dating a boy rather than a girl."

"And if you were a girl, I'd be telling you this same—sort of—thing," Burt pointed out. "It has nothing to do with you being a boy. You and Puck have been…dating for a while, and I think it's high time I give you the old birds and bees lecture. Or bees and bees, as the case may be."

Kurt's head hit the table. "Oh, God, Dad. Please, don't."

Burt tapped his index finger on the table. "I've been hearing the 'L' word thrown around. Now, that's a very important stage in any relationship. And it's only natural that when two…er, bees love each other very much, they want to start exploring. Er…pollinating. Or…um…buzzing as the case may be."

Kurt frowned in confusion. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Hush, now, Kurt. This is important stuff. You need to listen." Kurt sighed and settled back into his chair, though now his reasoning behind fiddling with his pants was to keep from plunging something into his own eye.

"In this day and age, you can hardly expect two young…bees to wait til marriage. Or, a whaddya call it? Commitment ceremony? And I know that neither one of you is a child. You're both adult enough to make your own decisions. I would never dream of telling either of you what to do." He paused. "Not that I know what to do." Pause. "Or that I'm curious."

He paused as Kurt's head hit the table again. "Not that being curious is bad. Being curious can be just the spark that sets a relationship on fire. I just want you to know that you always have the right to say no. To whatever it is that bees do. Together. With other bees."

"Thanks, Dad," Kurt interrupted hurriedly, jumping to his feet. "That was a great talk. I really should get on with homework no—" He broke off as Burt reached over and grabbed a handful of his jacket, yanking him back down into his seat.

"I'm just saying," Burt continued, "you never know how many bees another bee might have buzzed with. Or how many flowers that bee might have been pollinating. Because when you buzz with one bee, you're buzzing with every other bee and flower that bee has pollinated."

Kurt slid down in his chair until his eyes were nearly level with the table. Burt tapped his finger imperiously on the table again. "So, you have to make sure to use…er, bee protection. Stay safe, like bee keepers are in their bee suits. It's just smart pollinating," he added.

"And you should feel ready to pollinate. Don't feel forced into…buzzing if you're not ready." Burt looked Kurt right in the eye and nodded encouragingly. "Pollinating is always a two bee choice. If you choose to say no to buzzing? That other bee better damn well respect your wishes. If he doesn't, well, he's obviously not the bee for you. 

"And also," Burt waved his hand in a vaguely threatening manner, "I'll personally remove his stinger!"

"You just remember there are plenty more fish in the sea, son. The right fish will respect you enough to hold off…er, buzzing with you until you're ready." Burt wrinkled his brow, looking a bit confused himself. 

"It's like…well, it's like the milk and the cow!" He seemed to pick up the lost thread of his lecture, but he had completely lost Kurt. Kurt's eyes glazed over and he stared somewhere over Burt's left shoulder. Every now and then, he would twitch toward the freedom of the door.

"You know how the milk and the cow thing goes, of course." Burt paused, looking expectantly at Kurt.

"Of course," Kurt repeated obediently. 

Burt smiled in satisfaction. "Exactly. If he's as serious about it as you are, he'll be willing to wait for the cow. If he's not as serious, and you just hand out the milk willy-nilly…Well, you understand."

"I understand," Kurt echoed.

"And don't you settle for the backseat of his…er, hivemobile, either. You demand the best, because you're an amazing bee and you deserve it." Burt looked a bit uncomfortable at that. He pulled the neck of his shirt away from his throat.

"Well, I suppose I can skip the part where you have to be careful or you'll find a new little bee in your cabbage patch." Burt held up a hand to stave off any argument comment, though there wasn't the slightest bit of danger of that. Kurt had begun to blink rapidly. 

"But!" Burt's finger waved in Kurt's face. "Just because there's no stork delivering to your cabbage patch doesn't mean that there aren't things to worry about. There's all sorts of…cabbage diseases. You make sure to wear your…er, garden glove when you decide to buzz or your jewels might not end up so shiny."

"Jewels." Kurt nodded. "Shiny."

"Damn, right!" Burt slapped his hand down on the table. "And, if _you're_ the one feeling the need to buzz, well you just consider spending some time with Rosey first. See if she and her sisters can…er, satisfy you. They're always right there and they haven't been visited by any garden pests, so you don't even need to use a garden glove." Burt smiled widely.

Then, he frowned. "Speaking of which, don't you settle for those cheap garden gloves, either. The last thing you need is to have it fray when you start gardening. Remember, you get what you pay for."

Burt shifted awkwardly and picked up his cap from the table. He began to nervously unsnap and snap the band. "Well, that leads me to my next topic." Kurt moaned low in his throat. 

"Now, I'm sure you've already rounded first base. That didn't take very long in my day, I'm sure it's sped up on the timetable nowadays. But you make sure that you're ready to run to second. Don't you go letting him steal the base. If he does, you just punch him right in the shortstop!"

Kurt had a very vivid picture of his Dad standing over him and Puck, dressed in a referee outfit and screaming, "Safe!" He nearly giggled.

"Now, third base is a huge step. You're taking it twice as far as second base when you run for third. And I would hope that you think very carefully before pulling your foot off of that base. But, if you're going to start buzzing, it's a logical step and it needs to be addressed."

"You gotta make sure that your team gets to play, too. This isn't shutout territory. Don't you just go ahead and throw the game to make the other bee happy. It's a two way…er, flight path."

Kurt's brain was beginning to hurt.

"Now, I don't want to be an ostrich hiding his head in the sand."

"Oh, God, Dad. Ostriches?" Kurt moaned.

"Shush up, boy. Pay attention, here. I don't want to know all of your personal buzzing details, of course. But, I want you to feel able to talk to me about anything. So, I've done some research. I know two bees need to make plans and take precautions before buzzing, or it can be kind of dangerous."

"Dad!" Kurt leaped to his feet again. "That homework—"

"Your homework will wait," Burt growled. "This is a life lesson you're learning here. So siddown and shuttup!" He glared at Kurt until Kurt slowly lowered himself into the chair again.

"You need to make sure you have plenty of…er, water-based honey so no one gets their…um, stingers or er…hive back doors hurt."

"Jesus, please kill me now," Kurt whispered into the table where he'd just slammed his face.

"From what I've read, you can never have too much honey. But you have to make sure that it's the right honey, that water-based stuff. If it's the wrong kind of honey, it actually makes your garden glove fray. And that can lead to those garden pests."

Burt settled into his chair more comfortably. "Now, you should take your time. Treat it like a marathon instead of a 100-meter dash. It's more important to enjoy the run, no matter how long it takes, than it is to race for the gold." 

Burt frowned. "You need to keep hydrated, though," he added. "Running a marathon without taking drink breaks will only end up in cramps and tears."

Kurt had no idea what part of sex his father was gleaning that from, but he silently swore that he'd go to church every Sunday if only his dad weren't making an enema reference.

"Now, you might also not be sure if you're pitcher material or catcher material. Don't be afraid to try both. And don't be afraid to ask to change who's up to bat. If he's the right bee, he'll understand that you can't have a good game if both teams don't get to take the field. "

Burt leaned forward and patted Kurt on the back. "And don't be upset if things don't work out perfectly the first few times. You have your whole life to get it right." Kurt peered up through his bangs to see Burt beaming at him.

"Well, I'm glad we had this talk." Burt looked quite satisfied with himself. "I know I feel much better arming you with information before you make any important decisions. Do you have any questions?"

"Oh, dear Lord, no," Kurt hurried to assure Burt.

Burt frowned a little. "Does Puck have anyone who'll explain this to him? A male, that is. Not that there's anything wrong with having mom give him her own talk, but there are just some things that only another guy can tell you about."

"No!" Kurt cried out. "Um…I mean, no, Coach Tanaka gave a pretty straightforward to do list during health last year. I think Puck knows what to do." At Burt's narrowed eyes, Kurt stuttered. "O-or _not do_ as the case may be." He smiled weakly. "Er…thanks?"

Burt's frown disappeared and he clapped Kurt on the back on more time before standing up. He plucked his hat up from the table and jammed it on his head. "Well, son. Great talk, eh?"

Kurt nodded frantically. "Great! Yes. Great talk. Dad. Thank you. Thank you, Dad," he babbled.

Burt turned to the refrigerator and began rifling through it, whistling a jaunty tune. Kurt took the opportunity for escape, and bolted for his room.

Scrambling, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and punched speed dial.

"Hey, babe." Puck's husky voice sent shivers down Kurt's spine. "What's up? I miss you."

"I miss you, too, Noah," Kurt said softly. "Can we go out somewhere tonight? I _really_ need to get out of here for a while."

"I wish we could," Puck sighed. "Ma wants to talk about something 'really important' tonight. She said it couldn't wait. So, we'll have to wait until tomorrow to go out."

Kurt felt his tummy twist. "Um…what exactly does your mom want to discuss?" he said hesitantly.

Puck snorted. "I have no idea. She rambled something about birds and bees and flowers and trees. I think she's been listening to those old vinyls of hers again. Kurt? You there? Kurt, are you okay? Is that you moaning? Kurt?"


End file.
